Kitchen Countertop

Characters and players


Salt shaker 
Pepper grinder

Large, brushed metal container

Medium, brushed metal container

Small, brushed metal container

Cobalt blue apron hanging next to counter

Box containing Elliott’s birthday present from Aunt Bev

Children’s Claritin box

Kurt Vonnegut biography

DMV registration reminder

Anthropology catalogue

Late one Tuesday afternoon.  Early spring.  Windows open upstairs but not downstairs.  Close to the end of the workday.

DMV registration reminder:  (filled with anxiety) I’ve been here for a week.  A week?!  They know I am here; they know what to do with me.  Is it really that complicated?!

Children’s Claritin: (only slightly annoyed) Relax, Reggie.  It’s not like you are forgotten or, worse, thrown away like most of the other stuff that has been here.

Kurt biography:  Yes.  They have laid you out with care and respect.  I feel that is quite clear.  It is only a matter of time.

Registration:  (obviously offended)  With care?!  She spent more time thumbing through that new catalogue than she did reading me!  She laid that piece of garbage out with as much care as she did me.

Anthropology catalogue:  (joking sarcasm)  Hello?  I am right here?  I can here you talking about me.

Biography:  Don’t feel poorly, Catie.  She received me as a Christmas gift and has only taken the time to flip through me.  She may, eventually, end up giving you more attention than me.

Box containing Elliott’s present:  Hi.  Hello, I’m Package.  I don’t think I have had the pleasure of meeting everyone, but I was wondering something.  You see, I apparently have presents for some kid’s 5^th birthday, and I was wondering when that may be.  And also, do you know if there will be a party?  And if so, do you think I will be given then or may it be before or…

Large container: (interrupting with a grumpy tone) Dag nab it!  For crying out loud!  None of us care about you, ya cardboard crate.  Some of us have jobs to do!  I need to be well rested if I am going to be ready bright and early when it is breakfast time.  I mean, I do hold…

Small and medium containers, salt and pepper, and Claritin in unison:  (mocking in a loving manner)  “Their favorite cereal.  We know.”

Large Connie:  Just because some of us are to be of use…  Nothing but spiteful discrimination… (trailing off)

Salt:  Whatever!  We are all of use.  I mean, some days, I am of use at every meal.  Talk about needing rest! 

Pepper:  (deep, sexy voice)  You do work hard, baby.  Everyday.  Some stuff just don’t understand.

Blue apron:  (wining, but only slightly) I’m not sure she even remembers I am here.  Some days I wonder if I am really here.  She walks past me… puts stuff on the counter… in the trashcan… Doesn’t even give me a glimpse! 

Biography:  I wouldn’t feel bad, Colbie.  From what I’ve seen, she hardly knows the kitchen can be of use for cooking – (snickering) except maybe on a couple of holidays.

All the stuff: (laughter and giggles all around)

Large Connie:  (still laughing) Yeah, and maybe a late night snack.

(laughter building)

Biography:  One that doesn’t require anything… except maybe the microwave!

(hysterical laughter)

CURTAIN

Biography:  (whispering)  Do they expect us to bow or something of the sort?  The humiliation... (yelling)  WE ARE INANIMATE.  (whispering again) They are almost as bad as she is!